an unexpected mercy

do you have trouble sleeping? well you are probably not alone. given the number of ambien and lunestra commercials that interrupt my favorite tv shows, i suspect that lots of people are struggling with visiting dreamland.
recently i've had a hard time sleeping too. its not that i'm not tired... far from that!... its just that some of the pressing issues of life and the urgent needs i'm responsible for have a way of finding their way into the attic of my mind right as I'm dosing off. there i am, laying in my bed.. almost asleep and then it happens: my mind starts spinning, my heart starts beating faster and, before I know it i'm staring at the ceiling trying to get myself back into perspective. 'its going to be ok' i tell myself. i quote ps. 46.10 again and again (be still and know that I am God). unfortunately, i find it a far easier task to get back into perspective at 2 PM than at 2 AM. so i sometimes find myself sitting at my computer in the wee hours trying to untangle my thoughts on the pages of my journal. all of this conspires not only to make me very tired but also i can sometimes feel pretty unspiritual for having a such a hard time laying the more unsettling facets of my life in the hands of my Sovereign God.
well, God has encouraged me lately as i've been thinking about dealing with this.
i recently read some excerpts from a book called 'born after midnight' by aw tozer.
i believe the book is out of print (it seem like lots of the good books are.. why is Joel Osteen's book a top seller and aw tozer out of print?? the world is not fair!) anyway, tozer makes the statement that godliness and passion are often forged in the hearts of God's people 'sometime after midnight'. while others are sleeping, there are those whom God is seeking to birth something very significant deep down in their souls and they are often awake.. tossing and turning.... and they are wrestling.. asking hard questions.. praying and pleading before the throne of grace.. their hearts afire with desire and desperation. . their minds searching for answers..
now, all of this is my paraphrase, the book doesn't actually say this stuff, but it is clearly implied and, for me, very hopeful.
perhaps the struggle of a disquieted heart is, in actuality, an unexpected mercy.
it was in the dark recesses of the night that jacob wrestled with the angel... it would seem that at some point during the night jacob stopped trying to get the angel away from him and began to hold onto the angel saying 'i will not let you go until you bless me!' (see genesis 32)

it's usually in the inner dissonance of a disquieted heart that I get serious with God.
it's when my heart is churning around with uncertainty and a gnawing sense of longing for i'm not sure what that i honestly evaluate my life.. that i work towards resolution with renewed passion.
are you struggling with insomnia? with a disquieted heart? perhaps this bane to your existence will prove to be an unexpected mercy. let God do his work. embrace this frustration as a gracious interruption.. as an invitation from your Savior to know more of him.
and, along the lines of our current series, 'soundtrack of the soul' read psalms 3-4.. they are psalms about sleep and rest and peace.
may the Lord bless you richly as you pursue the one who has (is) pursuing you
and may you find in him a 'soul-rest' and an unexplainable peace that only he can give (see matt. 11.28 and phil. 4.6-7)