hidden anger

I grew a "chip on my shoulder" when i was going through j-hi and high school. it started subtly as I hit the awkward years that everyone hits, mine seem to hit harder than others and it was too bad others noticed before I did. I was "in" and was all of a sudden ousted from the social status that I had spent years accruing. I quickly developed the Zach Morris syndrome, longing to be "the man" and I hate to admit that somehow he has worked himself into being my alter ego. (watch out Celebrity Ball.) Looking back I didn't have it all that bad, i prob had it better than most - but my perception reigned supreme.

Jumping back into that 15 year old pubescent body would be the scariest nightmare to date. Wow, has it been 10 years? Why have i not forgotten all of the items at hand? Why - because in a large part they have proved to be some of my strongest motivators, I have held on to them.

Just before moving to Atlanta in 2004 I was hanging out with a friend from HS and his mom, we'll call her Norma (because that was her name). She always sorda looked down upon my family, or so it seemed, their family all had education and their stuff together. I was on the dawn of packing all my things and making the move to Atlanta and she muttered these words - "I give you six months Roy, you'll be back".

Forget any motivational speaker, that was it for me. The motivation to prove her wrong, along with all the others at my HS, was now at full flame. This stirs emotion as I recount it all. I can trace back long hours in the office, positioning for status within social circles, and other "noble causes" to some of these "forgotten" happenings from high school and college.

A challenge from a friend recently caused me to walk this path. He noticed that if somebody sent a jab my way i would send back an a-bomb. he noticed resentment in my tone and a flame in the eye that was askew.

"find a person who has embraced anger, and you find a person with a wounded ego." -willard

"close beside anger you will find its twin brother,contempt." -willard

I didn't really even know that was going on, it took a brother and some coffee to bring it to the table and to the forefront of the mind. Through some time alone, falling a few more times,scripture, and more conversations - some light has been shed. I can still easily retreat to this mode of thinking, this is another plea for community - I must have people around me to call me out, love me, and drink tons of coffee with me (true quality time)

This is not meant to be a long babble (although that is a blogs nature) but perhaps this is where some of our stories intersect. I find that the more ambitious the person the more wounded their ego.