Dialogue

One time, when i was a kid, my parents were awakened by a strange sound. The sound was me. I don't remember this occurrence, but I imagine it was pretty funny. I can just see them rubbing their eyes, sitting up in bed and finding their young son peeing in a drawer! I'm guessing they tossed those sweaters out! I walked over to the dresser, pulled out a drawer and let go. Perhaps some Freudian psychoanalyst could label that action as subconsciously meaningful. All I know is that it was funny, and that I didn't know what I was doing. I was sleep walking! And sleep-peeing. . . That's a different issue. . .

My life feels like I'm sleep walking and peeing on people's clothes a lot of the time. And when I finally snap into a more conscious state, it's usually rather embarrassing. I don't get me! (That has to be comforting to the legion of you out there who don't get me either! Haha). I hope that you are not arrogant enough to believe that you really know yourself either. One of the most brilliant men in history ranked self knowledge and self understanding as the ultimate goal of his philosophy. I don't necessarily agree that it is THE ultimate goal. However, the fact that Plato believed it to be such, speaks loudly of both the importance and great difficulty of self understanding. Perhaps Plato felt like he was peeing on people's togas too. That's got to make you feel good, right?

Even better, the Bible speaks of this same paradox. Many of you are painfully aware of Romans 7 and identify with the Apostle Paul's words, "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." I doubt that even Plato was completely succesful in his quest to know himself. I certainly don't have that sort of intellect. So what am I to do? It is so important, and yet so very difficult that even the most enlightened minds fall short. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the right track, but it is always short-lived. The cycle always continues and I am eventually confused again.

I've been going through a very confusing period lately. You could call it a dry spell without any good reason. I lacked desire for God and I hungered for something to make me feel comfortable and happy; to make me feel good about me. And I didn't understand why I was in this spot. Things came to a head last week while talking with a close friend in a similar situation. I told her that you couldn't really ask for forgiveness for your anger until you confess just how deep and nasty is that anger. Suddenly, it hit me. I had some anger that needed confession. Mine was anger with God himself. As I drove away that night I confessed and I wept. I didn't like admitting that I was angry with God, but the truth is far more important than what I like or dislike. I told him that I was very disappointed in a lot of things. I don't deal well with sadness, hurt and heart-break. I usually transition to anger pretty quickly. And then I just let it boil.

It felt good to get that weight off of my shoulders and to say what was buried deep inside. I was not railing against God. I was simply confessing the truth that I had felt this way, and that i didn't want to anymore. I think he answered me and comforted me in several ways over the weekend. The most important of those came on Monday night as I sat in a circle with my D-group. We looked into God's word and spent a good amount of time in silence; asking what God had for us in this particular passage. I don't want to write the never-ending blog, so check out 2 Peter 1:3-9 on your own.

Peter tells us that we have every good thing that pertains to life with our God; we have great promises and we partake in God himself! Because of this, we should seek faith, goodness, knowledge, love, etc. That is the content of verses 3-8. It is SO easy for us to stop at verse 8! We are such moralists! But Peter continues in verse 9, "whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins." What a key this is for me!

Why am I dry, and angry, and lacking motivation? Why am I confused and doing the very things I hate? Why is my life not described more by faith, knowledge, and love? I have FORGOTTEN! I have NOT forgotten that I'm supposed to read the Bible, and pray, and be thankful, and do a laundry list of other good things. No, we hardly ever forget about all there is to do. But doing without heart is holllow and meaningless and does not please our God. This is doing in order to please God, not because he is pleased in us already. But the Bible, the very word of God, encourages us that the motivation is NEVER found in this hollow legalism. Our motivation is found in the Cross of Jesus Christ alone! What a thing to forget!

I think that the impressions that God left on my heart over the past week are for you as well, and that is why I'm writing this. Are you in that funk where you just don't get yourself? Or are you riding the wave of a spiritual high, and fighting off that nagging voice in your head; telling you what you already know, that you'll be in the funk again soon? I can't tell you how to never feel down or dry. I can tell you that you will feel that way. And I can tell you that you can freely express the doubt, disappointment and even anger that you harbor against God. He didn't orchestrate your life the easy way, and is not surprised that you don't like it. Maybe for you the disappointments are found in your wallet, or on your ring finger, or just in the hours of boredom in your day. Be honest with your God. Let some tears flow if you need to. Know that someone already gets you better than you get yourself.

Above all, look to the Cross. People of God, only in the Cross of Jesus, will you find meaning for your pain and purpose for your life. When you identify your life with an instrument of torturous execution, and with the man and God who endured it on your behalf, you will find new motivation for living and at least a little more self-understanding. It is all washed away. Jesus Christ became your deepest, darkest secret on the Cross. That truth has a way of changing hearts, not just stuffing the anger and hurt within them. I will get angry again. You will get in that funk again. The key is the Cross. Struggle on, Church.