Chrissy looked at me from across the couch. My eyes were fixed on the television screen watching a meaningless re-run of two nameless Czechoslovakians playing tennis or something like that. "Are you mad?" she asked. NO. Are you sure? YES. My eyes never moved from the television screen. My lack of further comment confirmed her suspicions that the answer I gave was less than genuine. It actually surprised me as well. Was I mad? I'm not even sure I knew what the problem was. Was it the fact that she had been in task mode when I wanted her in snuggle mode? Was it that she forgot to enter a couple of debit card purchases in the check book and we overspent? Was it just that my day wasn't what I'd wanted it to be and she was a close and convenient person to take it out on.
I find that my anger towards God is a lot like the story I just shared. It's not the angst-ridden, scream-at-the-top-of-my-lungs emotional eruption. It’s usually far more subtle, and, correspondingly, far more dangerous.
Francis Schaffer writes that a lack of thanksgiving is the root of all of my sin. I think he may have been on to something.
I can readily identify with the (lengthy) quote below. Are you angry with God? Allow the quote to search your heart.
Blessings,
Matt Ballard
“My anger against God doesn’t feel like I thought it would.
I thought I’d feel deep rage and an overwhelming desire to hurt Him. Instead I find just a deep complaint, a nagging self-pity, a free-floating dissatisfaction with life and relationships, a quiet conviction that I deserve something better, a profound absence of genuine gratitude for God’s gifts, a deep belief that I don’t need a Savior (I’ve done quite well at living the Christian life without much help from God or anyone else), and an appalling lack of love for or inner connectedness with God.
That angry arrogance shrouds my soul and I am helpless to remove it. I cannot will it away or learn one more thing that will dissolve it. If God does not break in, I am undone.
I can only ask-petition-beg for grace…and at the same time wonder whether I even want or need it.
How profound my rage must be! Deep within is a core of hardness and self-sufficiency, an inner stronghold of resistance to grace that frustrates me as surely as it must grieve the Father. Whatever it is, I love it’s safety more than I want God right now.”
Journal Excerpt from Nancy Groom- Author of Heart to Heart
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I can definitely relate to understanding my inability to unharden my heart, and barely caring enough to ask God to do it. It really is so much easier to sit in bitterness, than to fight to understand and receive God's grace poured out for me.
Post a Comment