do you have trouble sleeping? well you are probably not alone. given the number of ambien and lunestra commercials that interrupt my favorite tv shows, i suspect that lots of people are struggling with visiting dreamland.
recently i've had a hard time sleeping too. its not that i'm not tired... far from that!... its just that some of the pressing issues of life and the urgent needs i'm responsible for have a way of finding their way into the attic of my mind right as I'm dosing off. there i am, laying in my bed.. almost asleep and then it happens: my mind starts spinning, my heart starts beating faster and, before I know it i'm staring at the ceiling trying to get myself back into perspective. 'its going to be ok' i tell myself. i quote ps. 46.10 again and again (be still and know that I am God). unfortunately, i find it a far easier task to get back into perspective at 2 PM than at 2 AM. so i sometimes find myself sitting at my computer in the wee hours trying to untangle my thoughts on the pages of my journal. all of this conspires not only to make me very tired but also i can sometimes feel pretty unspiritual for having a such a hard time laying the more unsettling facets of my life in the hands of my Sovereign God.
well, God has encouraged me lately as i've been thinking about dealing with this.
i recently read some excerpts from a book called 'born after midnight' by aw tozer.
i believe the book is out of print (it seem like lots of the good books are.. why is Joel Osteen's book a top seller and aw tozer out of print?? the world is not fair!) anyway, tozer makes the statement that godliness and passion are often forged in the hearts of God's people 'sometime after midnight'. while others are sleeping, there are those whom God is seeking to birth something very significant deep down in their souls and they are often awake.. tossing and turning.... and they are wrestling.. asking hard questions.. praying and pleading before the throne of grace.. their hearts afire with desire and desperation. . their minds searching for answers..
now, all of this is my paraphrase, the book doesn't actually say this stuff, but it is clearly implied and, for me, very hopeful.
perhaps the struggle of a disquieted heart is, in actuality, an unexpected mercy.
it was in the dark recesses of the night that jacob wrestled with the angel... it would seem that at some point during the night jacob stopped trying to get the angel away from him and began to hold onto the angel saying 'i will not let you go until you bless me!' (see genesis 32)
it's usually in the inner dissonance of a disquieted heart that I get serious with God.
it's when my heart is churning around with uncertainty and a gnawing sense of longing for i'm not sure what that i honestly evaluate my life.. that i work towards resolution with renewed passion.
are you struggling with insomnia? with a disquieted heart? perhaps this bane to your existence will prove to be an unexpected mercy. let God do his work. embrace this frustration as a gracious interruption.. as an invitation from your Savior to know more of him.
and, along the lines of our current series, 'soundtrack of the soul' read psalms 3-4.. they are psalms about sleep and rest and peace.
may the Lord bless you richly as you pursue the one who has (is) pursuing you
and may you find in him a 'soul-rest' and an unexplainable peace that only he can give (see matt. 11.28 and phil. 4.6-7)
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Fights...
Do you fight fair? Of course you don’t. The reason I know you don’t fight fair is because I don’t fight fair. And if I, being far more spiritual than you, don’t fight fair, than you surely don’t fight fair (that was my sarcastic moment).
Who ever came up with this idea of fighting fair anyway? It kinda sounds counter intuitive. Like, go and make sure you “kill nicely”, or “brag humbly”. When I fight, I want to be unfair, or ruthless. I want to do what it takes to win. Just the idea that my fight should be restricted by some adjective like fair, that will probably cause me to loose the fight, kinda makes me not want to fight at all. After all, what good is fighting if you don’t win?
But what if winning a fight has nothing to do with being a winner? Honestly, I know a lot of people who are really good at proving a point but are really unsafe, even resented. People who allways win fights are the kind of people that everybody at work secretly whispers in contempt about when they leave a room. You might even know a person like this- There the kind of people everybody puts on a good face for in person, but when they are not in the room, they are resented, even reviled.
Whether or not you typically win a fight, or loose one, the object of fighting is not to win. The point of a fight is to hear. And when or goal is to hear, we love people better. And more than being right, I think our souls long to be loved and love well.
George Macdonald, the author, poet, and Christian Minister said, “And do not our souls themselves cry out for a nobler, better, more beautiful life?” Maybe today is the day we start loosing more fights, but start winning more friends.
-Mike Lefevre
Who ever came up with this idea of fighting fair anyway? It kinda sounds counter intuitive. Like, go and make sure you “kill nicely”, or “brag humbly”. When I fight, I want to be unfair, or ruthless. I want to do what it takes to win. Just the idea that my fight should be restricted by some adjective like fair, that will probably cause me to loose the fight, kinda makes me not want to fight at all. After all, what good is fighting if you don’t win?
But what if winning a fight has nothing to do with being a winner? Honestly, I know a lot of people who are really good at proving a point but are really unsafe, even resented. People who allways win fights are the kind of people that everybody at work secretly whispers in contempt about when they leave a room. You might even know a person like this- There the kind of people everybody puts on a good face for in person, but when they are not in the room, they are resented, even reviled.
Whether or not you typically win a fight, or loose one, the object of fighting is not to win. The point of a fight is to hear. And when or goal is to hear, we love people better. And more than being right, I think our souls long to be loved and love well.
George Macdonald, the author, poet, and Christian Minister said, “And do not our souls themselves cry out for a nobler, better, more beautiful life?” Maybe today is the day we start loosing more fights, but start winning more friends.
-Mike Lefevre
Monday, January 15, 2007
hidden anger
I grew a "chip on my shoulder" when i was going through j-hi and high school. it started subtly as I hit the awkward years that everyone hits, mine seem to hit harder than others and it was too bad others noticed before I did. I was "in" and was all of a sudden ousted from the social status that I had spent years accruing. I quickly developed the Zach Morris syndrome, longing to be "the man" and I hate to admit that somehow he has worked himself into being my alter ego. (watch out Celebrity Ball.) Looking back I didn't have it all that bad, i prob had it better than most - but my perception reigned supreme.
Jumping back into that 15 year old pubescent body would be the scariest nightmare to date. Wow, has it been 10 years? Why have i not forgotten all of the items at hand? Why - because in a large part they have proved to be some of my strongest motivators, I have held on to them.
Just before moving to Atlanta in 2004 I was hanging out with a friend from HS and his mom, we'll call her Norma (because that was her name). She always sorda looked down upon my family, or so it seemed, their family all had education and their stuff together. I was on the dawn of packing all my things and making the move to Atlanta and she muttered these words - "I give you six months Roy, you'll be back".
Forget any motivational speaker, that was it for me. The motivation to prove her wrong, along with all the others at my HS, was now at full flame. This stirs emotion as I recount it all. I can trace back long hours in the office, positioning for status within social circles, and other "noble causes" to some of these "forgotten" happenings from high school and college.
A challenge from a friend recently caused me to walk this path. He noticed that if somebody sent a jab my way i would send back an a-bomb. he noticed resentment in my tone and a flame in the eye that was askew.
This is not meant to be a long babble (although that is a blogs nature) but perhaps this is where some of our stories intersect. I find that the more ambitious the person the more wounded their ego.
Jumping back into that 15 year old pubescent body would be the scariest nightmare to date. Wow, has it been 10 years? Why have i not forgotten all of the items at hand? Why - because in a large part they have proved to be some of my strongest motivators, I have held on to them.
Just before moving to Atlanta in 2004 I was hanging out with a friend from HS and his mom, we'll call her Norma (because that was her name). She always sorda looked down upon my family, or so it seemed, their family all had education and their stuff together. I was on the dawn of packing all my things and making the move to Atlanta and she muttered these words - "I give you six months Roy, you'll be back".
Forget any motivational speaker, that was it for me. The motivation to prove her wrong, along with all the others at my HS, was now at full flame. This stirs emotion as I recount it all. I can trace back long hours in the office, positioning for status within social circles, and other "noble causes" to some of these "forgotten" happenings from high school and college.
A challenge from a friend recently caused me to walk this path. He noticed that if somebody sent a jab my way i would send back an a-bomb. he noticed resentment in my tone and a flame in the eye that was askew.
"find a person who has embraced anger, and you find a person with a wounded ego." -willardI didn't really even know that was going on, it took a brother and some coffee to bring it to the table and to the forefront of the mind. Through some time alone, falling a few more times,scripture, and more conversations - some light has been shed. I can still easily retreat to this mode of thinking, this is another plea for community - I must have people around me to call me out, love me, and drink tons of coffee with me (true quality time)
"close beside anger you will find its twin brother,contempt." -willard
This is not meant to be a long babble (although that is a blogs nature) but perhaps this is where some of our stories intersect. I find that the more ambitious the person the more wounded their ego.
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